Punishment
by Timmothy Shaw
Summary: How long can Kagome's loved ones survive her mistake, how long must they suffer? And what will be the ultimate punishment for her crimes? I do not dislike Kagome, but this story does portrey her in a rather unseemly light. RR please.
1. Default Chapter

**Chapter 1: Fallen**

Towards the end of a sultry afternoon in July a young women came slowly out of her little hut where she had lived for the past month. She stepped slowly down the dirt path and turned irresolutely in the direction of the nearby wooded area.

She had been lucky enough to avoid an encounter with those who cared for her. Her little room, more like a cupboard than a place to live in, was roughly attached to a larger structure built for the old priestess of that village.

Kaede, gentle and kind hearted, had charged Miroku and Inuyasha with this task of building Kagome and her brother a place to live permanently, since they could not return to their own time. While trying to compensate for her loss, the others provided dinners and service.

However, every time she left her small hut she was forced to pass the door of her benefactor, which always stood open. She went past each time with an uneasy, almost frightened, feeling that made her frown with shame. Meaning well, her friends would approach with questions and comments every time she left the house.

It was not that she was a coward or a naturally shy person, far from it; but she had been for some time in a horrible state of irritability and tension. She had cut herself off from everybody and withdrawn so completely into herself that she now shrank from every kind of contact. She was crushingly alone in her mind, but no longer felt this as a weight; in fact she preferred it this way.

For some time Kagome had ceased to concern herself with everyday affairs. She was not really afraid of Kaede or her other friends, but to have to stop and listen to the trivialities in which she had no interest, and than to have to remove herself from the situation by lying and making excuses, no, better to creep down the path softly and slip past unnoticed.

This time, however, she reached the dirt road leading out of the village feeling astonished at the intensity of her fear of her good friends, of which she had no reason to be afraid.

'_To think I could contemplate such a terrible act and still be afraid…'_ she thought and she smiled strangely '_Hm…yes…simply because I was afraid I just let things slip out of control. After all, isn't that what people are most afraid of, any new departure? And especially to a _new world_…but I am talking too much. That's why I don't act, because I am always talking. Or perhaps I talk so much because I can't act. I have gotten into this habit of babbling to myself over the past month, while I have been lying in bed thinking…complete nonsense. And why have I come out now? Can I really be capable of _that_? Am I really serious? No, of course I'm not serious. So am I just playing a game, amusing myself with fantasies? Yes, maybe I am only playing a game.'_

The heat in the village was stifling. The stuffiness of the people all around her, the dust that hung in the air, clouding the vision and clogging the senses, all this combined to aggravate the young girl's nerves. An expression of deep contempt passed across the girls delicate features.

She was, by the way, a striking young girl, with fine dark eyes, black hair, and a slender outline that not often failed to attract a few stares. Kagome had the stature of a priestess, but walked with a gait that suggested there was much on her mind. Her attire had not been changed in some time, and therefore was rather dirty and unkempt. Most anyone, however used to them, would hesitate to go out in such clothing.

Once or twice she muttered something to herself in a manner that, as she had just confessed, had grown habitual with her. She herself realized that her thoughts were confused and that she was very weak; she had eaten practically nothing for the last two days.

Kagome had hardly realized that she had reached the forest, out of earshot of anyone who might look upon her outburst as odd, when she broke down on her knees and sobbed.

"Oh, Kami, how repulsive! Can I possibly, can I possibly…how could such a horrible idea enter my mind? That is vile, filthy…horrible…horrible…and for a whole month I have…" She broke off when a soothing picture entered her mind. It was one she thought of often when she was sad and now it came to her almost automatically.

It was her brother's face, and that of Inuyasha's, and that of Miroku and Sango and Shippo. These faces offered her comfort, even if the respective bodies offered none of the same pleasure.

With much reluctance and resistance, her mind thought back to the incident that repulsed her to her very core. It was almost two months ago now…

-2 Months Ago-

Kagome had just finished studying for one of the last tests of the school year and was heading out to the magic well on her property. Inuyasha leaned against the doorframe of the well house, smiling as he admired the way she gracefully adorned herself with a back pack full to bursting.

Kagome's brother, Souta, held her up as she steadied herself. "Ready yet, wench?" he called out impatiently.

"You know you could give me a hand here instead of just watching."

"Keh"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I wouldn't _have_ to help if you weren't such a pathetic human!"

"You know, Inuyasha…"

"Just hurry up, we haven't got all day"

Souta had followed his sister down to the well and leaned over the edge as Inuyasha jumped over the side, watching the light engulf the hanyou. Kagome prepared to jump.

She leapt.

Her dress.

A nail.

Souta reached out to help.

He grabbed onto the jewel around her neck.

They both fell.

Than there was darkness.

_**A/N**_

Thank you for reading this first chapter.

Please know that I harbor no ill will for Kagome.

In the following chapters things will happen that may seem strange, or ooc,

But remember who the author is…


	2. Chapter 2: Mamoru

**Chapter 2: Mamoru**

Kagome lay on her side in the long grass. Freshly dried tears clung to her face as she lay with her knees drawn to her chest. Kagome was very averse to crowds and lately had avoided all human contact but now she suddenly felt drawn to people.

Something had been accomplished within her soul when she involuntarily remembered the day her life changed, and with it came a thirst for accompaniment. She was so weary after a whole month of concentrated misery and gloomy agitation that she longed to breathe, if only for a moment.

It sometimes happens that we find ourselves interested from the first glance in complete strangers, even before we have spoken to them. A man who had been observing Kagome from his hidden vantage point for a long time made such an impression.

"Ahem…" Kagome sat up straight and stared at the strange man only a few yards away from her.

She kept her eyes fixed on the man, partly because the man gazed at her equally steadily and plainly wished to enter into conversation with her. He was a man of over forty, of middle height and build, with mussed hair and a large bald patch. His face was bloated with continuous drinking and he was obviously drunk already.

His complexion was yellow, even greenish. From between his swollen eyelids his little reddish slits of eyes glittered. But there was something else very strange about him, his eyes had an almost euphoric shine, they seemed to hold both intelligence and good sense, but gleams of something like madness showed in them as well.

After a short while the man addressed Kagome in a loud and decided tone:

"You, why do you weep? Will you allow me to speak some words of truth to you? Although you bear no evidence of distinction, I feel you are a person of great importance." The man moved closer to Kagome and sat next to her.

"I am…I was…my name is Kagome…"

"I am sorry, my name is Mamoru. I was in the business of education. Are you studying?"

"No, I…not anymore" replied Kagome, surprised at being addressed so directly and partly because of this mans peculiarly florid manner of speech.

In spite of her momentary wish for contact, of whatever kind, with other people, no sooner had this contact actually happened than she felt the old unpleasant feeling of exasperated dislike for any person who violated her privacy.

"A student, than, or a former student…if you'll excuse me…" Within the folds of his robe Mamoru pulled out a rather large bottle of sake and a glass and began to drink rather hastily, as if he hadn't had anything to drink for several days.

Although he was drunk he spoke rather fluently, only occasionally hesitating and losing his place. The avid attention Mamoru placed upon Kagome made it seem as if he had no one to talk to for several days.

"My dear lady, is it said where you come from that poverty is no crime?"

"Where I come from?"

"Yes, I took the impression from your attire and mannerisms that you are not from this area, forgive me if this was misguided."

"I could say the same about you…" Kagome was only slightly offended because the statement was, in fact, true. '_Not any more'_ she reminded herself.

"Yes, well, we could say that the men you have had chance to meet are quite unlike me" he said with a small chuckle that turned into a hard, deep cough "I am from a larger village to the north. We pride ourselves in the divine art of learning."

"I see…why do you ask about poverty?"

"I am among the unlucky thrown into poverty against their will, and they do say that drunkenness is a virtue…that they do say…" Tears began running down the man's face, slowly tracing a path through the dust and dirt.

Kagome took a small handkerchief she kept with her at all times and began to wipe the tears from his eyes. Mamoru took the piece of cloth and examined it, the handkerchief wasn't special, just one of the few things her father had given her before he had died.

"Better?" She asked.

"An undeserved kindness, my lady"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Beggary, my lady, beggary is a vice. In poverty the honor may still be preserved, but never in beggary, not by anybody. In beggary a man is driven forth from human society, no, we are only swept away with a broom. My dear lady, a month ago my wife was beaten by the headman of my former village. While I…I was begging for my life back."

"That's horrible…"

"It has been five days hence my wife and I and our three children were _swept _from my village. We have been traveling south ever since. I cannot…the children cannot travel anymore." He filled his glass again, drank it off, and sat in deep thought.

Looking at the state of his clothes and hair Kagome found it easy he had neither dressed nor washed for five days. His greasy red hands were particularly dirty, with black-rimmed nails.

-2 Months Ago-

Kagome opened her eyes and found herself in a deep forest she didn't recognize. The only light came from a small opening in the canopy.

Kagome looked around after her eyes adjusted to the light. In the distance she saw a clearing. She struggled through the trees and emerged in a small grass filled area bathed in light.

In the middle of the clearing lay her brother, Souta. She rushed over to find no signs of life in him, "Souta…" she whispered.

"Souta!" Kagome screamed as she held her brothers head to her chest. Violent sobs wracked her body, sending strong shivers up her spine.

A familiar feeling took paramount in her mind. She felt jewel shards all around her, coming closer at an alarming rate.

Kagome stood and looked around, if there really were jewel shards, she should be able to see them, and they should be in the clearing by now. The trees around her shuddered and fell, the demon Naraku came at her from all sides.

"No…that's impossible, you are dead!" She shouted.

_Flash_

Rain pouring down in sheets fell on the hissing remains of the demon Naraku. Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru stood facing each other, having just killed the demon with their collective power.

Kagome stood off to one side, having also been instrumental in the bringing down of the demon. But helpless to end the suffering of Inuyasha, who had just lost Kikyo; or Sesshoumaru, who just lost his mate, Kagura.

_Flash_

Sango sat cradling Kohaku's broken, lifeless body. Naraku, hoping the power of the completed jewel would save him, removed the jewel and tossed aside the body. Effectively ending Sango's brother's life.

Miroku stood over Sango offering words of comfort that never reached her ears.

Kagome stood off to the side, nothing she could do could ever help.

_Flash_

One of Naraku's runners flashed through the air, aimed at Kagome, the arrow, aimed at his heart, missed the runner and killed the demon instead.

The appendage was stopped from impaling Kagome by Shippo, who flung his body in the way.

Shippo's body lay on the ground. Kagome was relieved to see the kit would live, however he may never walk again.

The love and adoration she saw in Shippo's eyes was the last thing she saw before…

_Flash_

Kagome was once again in the clearing. She looked up to see an image of Inuyasha, swinging Tetsusaiga in a wide arc connecting with Naraku.

The vision of Inuyasha and Naraku both vanished at the same time.

Kagome was left alone holding her brothers lifeless body. Closing her eyes, Kagome focused all of her energy on her brother, hoping that she had at least something that would save him.

Kagome opened her eyes again and looked up into a warm face.

"Inuyasha."

_**A/N**_

So…you made it…how was it?

I liked it kind of. Mamoru will have some importance later.

The crime I mentioned hasn't been committed yet, so hold on for that.

Now that I think about it, it seems kind of OOC for her but nothing has really happened so…

I hope…I think you will like the rest.


	3. Chapter 3: Home

**Chapter 3: Home**

"Why don't I perform my duties, my dear lady? Why don't I perform my duties as educator or husband?" Mamoru was oblivious to the obvious lack of attention Kagome was giving him. "Does my heart not bleed because I am a useless creature? Did I not suffer when, a month ago, the headman beat my wife while I lay confused with drink? Allow me to ask, young lady, if you know what it is like to plead without hope for a chance?"

"Yes, I have…but what do you mean 'without hope'?"

"I mean utterly without hope, knowing beforehand that nothing will come out of it. Why than I ask, should you go? Nevertheless, knowing that you will get nothing, you turn your steps towards him and…"

"But than why go?" put in Kagome.

"But if you have nobody else, no other place to turn to! Every man needs a place to turn to…"

"Can any situation ever become so…so lost?"

"You, young lady, may I ask, are you not in a similar situation yourself?"

"I…no…no I am not. I do have a place to call home and…friends and…family, once…"

"I am sorry for the loss of your family; friends are needed in these dark times.

"I suppose…"

"Allow me to ask a last question before I return to my family, can you look truthfully upon me and say that I am not a swine?" He awaited her answer eagerly.

Kagome made no answer.

"Well, ma'am," continued the man, with even more dignity than before, "well, ma'am, I agree that I am a swine, but think not harshly…that is to say, do not judge my family by my appearance."

"Tell me of your family." Kagome terribly missed what family she lost and wished to at least speak of the general idea of the family.

"We have three small children, and my wife works late into the night scrubbing and washing and bathing the children, for she can tolerate dirtiness from a swine such as myself, but will not hear of it from the children."

Kagome shifted a little, the conversation had become a speech to himself, and Mamoru had completely forgotten Kagome was there until she cleared her throat to announce her presence.

"She is sick you know…could I fail to see it? The more I drink, the more deeply I see it. That is, indeed why I drink, to find compassion and feeling in drink…I drink because I wish to multiply my sufferings!" With the final outburst, Mamoru fell on his side in the grass and lay his head on the ground.

Mamoru sat up and tried to smile, but his chin began to quiver. He controlled himself, however. The look of depravity, the five nights spent traveling, combined with his painful affection for his wife and family bewildered Kagome. She was listening with close attention, yet with a feeling of discomfort.

"Oh, dear lady, dear lady!" Exclaimed Mamoru, recovering himself, "Oh dear lady, perhaps this all seems madness to you, as it does to all others who hear my sad tale, perhaps I am only worrying you with all these stupid and pitiful details of my life, but it is not madness to me! For I am capable of feeling it all…"

Mamoru struck his forehead with his fist, clenched his teeth, closed his eyes and leant his elbows heavily on his knees. But after a minute his face changed suddenly, and he looked at Kagome with an air of bravado and slyness, laughed and went on, "This morning, before the others were up, I was given all the money and valuable possessions we owned still, I bought this very bottle with them." He held up the half empty bottle as proof of his confession.

"You weren't given them, were you? You took from your own family…didn't you?"

"Yes, my lady. And I, their own father and husband, took the last of our possessions for drink! And I am drinking it, my lady! I have already drunk it all! ...Now, who could be sorry for a wretch like me, eh? Are you sorry for me now, or not, lady? Tell me lady, are you sorry or aren't you?"

"Why should any one be sorry for you?" Whispered Kagome softly.

"Sorry! Why be sorry for me?" Exclaimed Mamoru, as if he had been waiting for those words to be spoken, than rose to his feet with outstretched arms. "Why be sorry, you say? No, there is no need to be sorry for me! I ought to be punished, punished, and not pitied! Send me to die, oh judge! Send me to die but pity your victim! Than I will come to you to die, for I thirst for affection! Do you think, you who has sold me this bottle, that it has been pleasurable to me? Affection, I sought affection at the bottom of it, and that I did not find! Oh happy be the day I fall at the feet of my creator, I shall fall at his feet and weep, and I shall understand all things! Than we shall understand…and all shall understand…and my wife and children, they shall understand also…Kami, thy kingdom come!"

And he sank back into the grass, weak and exhausted, not looking at Kagome, as though he had been plunged into thought and forgotten his surroundings. His words had made some impression on Kagome, she sat, not knowing what really to do at this point, so she sat and waited.

"Let us go, my lady," said Mamoru, suddenly raising his head and turning to Kagome, "take me home; to my wife and children, it is time I went…"

Kagome had long wished to leave, and had already made up her mind to help the poor man. Mamoru proved to be much more affected in his legs than in his speech, and he leaned heavily on the young lady. As they traveled through the woods in the direction of another small town, Mamoru grew increasingly agitated.

"I am not afraid of my wife now," he muttered anxiously "nor of her pulling me by the hair. What does my hair matter? My hair is nothing! That is what I will say. It will be better, in fact, if she does pull my hair, I am not afraid of that…I…it is her eyes I am afraid of…yes…her eyes. I am afraid of the sickly patches on her cheeks…and her condition. Let her beat me…it will relieve her feelings…it is better so…"

Kagome approached the village but stopped when Mamoru turned to the outskirts a couple hundred yards away. "You don't live in the village, here?" Kagome inquired.

"I have not the honor to reside in a place such as this." Mamoru replied softly and with great sadness.

Kagome followed until they came upon a small clearing, there were small blankets strewn about on the floor as if someone had actually been living and sleeping in this place. Kagome knew Mamoru's wife at once. She was terribly wasted, a fairly tall, slender, shapely women with still beautiful dark brown hair and cheeks flushed with a deep red. She was walking across the small clearing with her hands clenched to her breast.

Her lips looked parched and her breath was heavy and uneven. Her eyes had a feverish glitter but her gaze was hard and fixed. The agitated creature was indeed a painful spectacle.

She appeared to Kagome to be about thirty years old, and she and Mamoru were certainly ill matched. She did not seem to notice them as they approached; she seemed to be in a sort of stupor, deaf and blind to everything.

The smallest child, a girl of about six, lay on the floor asleep. A boy about a year older stood in one corner crying and shaking, apparently for lack of food. The eldest child was standing by her brother with her arm, as thin as a matchstick, around his neck.

She was a tall and thin girl about nine years old, and her only garment was a worn and tattered blanket wrapped around her shoulders and a small kimono that might have fit her two years ago, but now barely came to her knees.

She was whispering to the boy to soothe him and prevent a fresh outburst of sobs, while her enormous, frightened dark eyes, which looked even larger in her pinched and terrified little face, followed her mother's movements.

Mamoru did not go right into the clearing, but paused before it and took in several deep breaths. At the sight of her husband and the strange girl the women paused, evidently collecting herself and wondering why such a girl would be accompanying her good-for-nothing husband.

Having come to some conclusion she paid her no further notice, but turned towards her husband on his knees at the edge of the carpets.

"Ah!" she shrieked in a frenzy, "So you've come back! Monster! …Where's the money? What have you got in your clothes? But why do you have nothing? Where's the money! Say something!"

And she threw herself foreword and began to ransack every fold in his clothing. Mamoru immediately raised his arms, in a submissive and humble gesture, to make the search easier. There was not a single item.

"Where is the money than?" she cried. "Oh, Kami, he can't have drunk it all! He took everything…"

Than, beside herself, she clutched his hair with a sudden swift movement and dragged him into the clearing. Mamoru himself helped, shuffling meekly on his knees after her.

"This is a sweet satisfaction to me! This gives me not pain but plea-ea-sure, my-y-y dear lady!" he exclaimed, while he was shaken by the hair and once had his forehead bumped on the floor.

The child asleep on the floor woke up and began to cry. The boy in the corner could bear it no longer, but in a state of terror flung himself crying and shivering into his sisters arms. She was trembling like a leaf.

"You've drunk it all, drunk it all!" wailed the poor women in despair "Hungry, they are hungry!" (she pointed at the children and wrung her hands) "And you, who are you, accursed, wretched creature, have you been drinking with him? Get out!" The women addressed Kagome.

Kagome left without another word and walked quickly away from the sounds of children screaming and women yelling. Tears stung her eyes, why shouldn't she just leave them? What gives them the right to be happy while she was so miserable?

No, better to just leave them to their unhappy lives and get on with her own misery.

-2 Months Ago-

"Inuyasha? Where…why?" Kagome sat, still befuddled by the vivid dream.

"You all right, sis? You were asleep all day, we were worried." Souta approached his sister carefully, almost as if he was afraid of her.

Kagome, remembering the image of her brother lying dead, quickly launched herself at him and embraced him. "Wait…what are _you _doing at my house?" she asked Miroku and Sango and Shippo who were sitting against the far wall of the small hut.

Kagome collected her thoughts into a coherent strain and realized she was still in the feudal era, not sure what had transpired while she was asleep, Kagome looked around once again to be sure her eyes didn't deceive her.

Kagome felt a sudden surge of blood to her brain and was forced to lie down again. "Sis, I'm not really sure what happened either, no one can really give a decent explanation." Souta said.

"I thought we could only pass through the well, Inuyasha?"

"Keh, hell if I know what happened, all I know is that you and your brother came out of that well together and the jewel was nowhere to be found."

"Did you two wish for something on the other side of the well?" Miroku asked.

"Does the jewel really have that kind of power, Kagome?" Shippo ran up to Kagome and laid his hands on her arm.

"I don't know, it's not like we really have any substantial information about its true power."

"Yeah, and you two just _had _to test it and waste our only wish!" Inuyasha stormed out of the small hut with everyone's eyes following after.

"It's my fault, sis…" Souta said softly.

"What are you talking about Souta?"

"It's my fault, I made a wish…"

_**A/N**_

Hope you liked the third installment of what I hope is a very promising story.

The situation with Mamoru will come up much later in the story.

I also have a question for anyone versed well enough in the culture of feudal Japan. It is my understanding that 'Kami' is a translation for the word 'God'. I was wondering if it was used correctly in the speech made by Mamoru ('_Kami, thy kingdom come.)_

If you would like to reach me I believe my e-mail is displayed on my author page.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.


	4. Chapter 4: Emptiness

**Chapter 4: Emptiness**

The next day, Kagome awoke late from an uneasy and restless sleep, feeling irritable, and gazed around her little room with loathing. It was a tiny little hole of a place, no more than six paces long, and so low that anyone even a little more than average height would feel uncomfortable in it, fearful that at any moment they might bump their head against the ceiling.

The fresh timber that was used did little to refresh the dank atmosphere; an old and dusty backpack leaned against one corner. Memories of a world now forgotten. And lastly there was a bedding area that took up almost one whole wall and half the width of the room.

A more degraded manner of life could not have been imagined, but it suited Kagome's present mood. She had resolutely withdrawn from all human contacts, like a tortoise retreating into its shell, until the sight even of those she loved made her shudder with revulsion. Such behavior is often found among students or those with education when they are concentrating all their energies on one point.

She had stopped supplying herself with food a week ago, and it hadn't occurred to her to heed the advice of those around her and eat something, even if it appeared unappetizing. Her closest friend, Inuyasha, who some may even label as more of a friend, was particularly concerned with her recent odd habits. It was he who woke her up now.

"Get up! Why are you still asleep?" He exclaimed standing over her, "It's past noon already!"

Kagome opened her eyes with a start and looked at InuYasha.

"Keh! Pathetic human! You'll waste away if you don't eat something; I thought you were smart Kagome. I've brought you some food, wouldn't you like some?"

"You brought me food, Inuyasha?" she said, slowly and painfully raising herself off the floor into a sitting position.

"Just eat the damn soup, wench. It's good soup, yesterdays. I saved some for you yesterday but you came in too late. It's good soup…"

Kagome looked up at Inuyasha with skepticism. Recently he had been concerned about her well being, but never had he showed this amount of affection. Seeing how it pained him so to do this simple act without messing it up, she reluctantly dipped into the soup and forced down several spoonfuls, much to Inuyasha's pleasure.

"Um…Kagome?" Inuyasha seemed afraid to bring up whatever he wanted to discuss.

"Yes" Kagome ignored the rest of the soup and stared at Inuyasha's blushing features.

"I was wondering, and it's not just me! Well anyway, I was just thinking, I mean we were just thinking, well…why the hell do you just lie here, with nothing to show for yourself! You used to be so active; why do you do nothing now?" His outburst was rash and sudden, as if this was a question that had been in his mind for a long while.

Kagome heard a slight shuffle of feet and looked up to see the tail of Miroku's robes disappear from her doorway.

"I am doing…" began Kagome grimly and reluctantly.

"What?"

"Work…"

"What sort of work?"

"Thinking," she replied seriously after a moments pause.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me! Well, have you thought up a way to open the well again? Have you thought up a way to take care of you and your brother? Come on, Kagome, we can't take care of you for the rest of your life! And Shippou…"

Kagome gave him a look that dared Inuyasha to bring up the subject of Shippo. "I don't know what's wrong, but you're the one who has to fix it!" Inuyasha stormed out of the hut, she could hear him defending his rash actions to Miroku and Sango.

Almost all the time that Inuyasha was yelling, her face was wet with tears, but when he left it was pale and distorted and a bitter, angry smile played across her lips. She put her head down on her thin, crumpled pillow and lay there for a long time, thinking. Her heart was beating fiercely and her thoughts were wildly agitated.

At last it began to seem close and stuffy in the shabby little room, so like a box or cupboard. His eyes and thoughts both craved more space. She seized the blankets and ripped them off her body and went out, this time without fearing to meet anybody on the way out; he had forgotten all about that.

She walked in the direction of the village, hurrying as though she had business there, but, as usual, she walked without noticing where she was going. Whispering and sometimes even talking aloud to herself, to the surprise of passers-by. Many of them supposed her to be crazy.

-2 Months Ago-

It took a long while to explain the entire series of events. Apparently on the way into the well, Souta had wished for him and his sister to be safe and the jewel had apparently decided that the safest place was in Feudal Japan.

The confession from Souta had a profound effect on Kagome, she could feel the jewel was gone, and there was an emptiness inside of her, almost as if a piece of her soul was missing.

In the two months following, Kagome had begun to grow more irritable, more reclusive. Her entire personality had changed, for the worse. Many assumed that it was due to the loss of her family, having been deprived of a home, Kagome had slipped into a deep state of depression. Kagome knew that something was not right inside of her, that a piece was missing and she might never get it back.

For Kagome, it wasn't that she chose to be reclusive and unemotional; it was that she could not feel, could not see in the way she used to be able to.

Souta thoroughly blamed himself for his sister's condition, in blaming himself; he also changed his personality drastically. Once a pleasant enough boy, idolizing his sister and Inuyasha, he was now very sullen most of the time and worked feverishly at whatever tasks anyone would give him, perhaps trying to compensate for some wrong he felt he had committed.

Shippo had also suffered, the final battle with Naraku had left the kitsune severely wounded, and several of the wounds were deep and required more attention than Kagome could give. The end result had been drastic changes in Shippo's personality, due to changes that would affect his life forever.

Shippo would never be able to run correctly again, and never would he be able to sit atop his favorite perch on one of his friends shoulders. The wounds to his legs and back had made sure of this. The full effects were not realized until much later, but no matter how much care the kit needed, Inuyasha and Kagome had always been there, feeling eternal gratitude for saving Kagome's life.

The well had disappeared, as if it never had been. Kagome sat on that hilltop often, gazing into the distance, or perhaps gazing into herself, searching for a piece of herself she could remember, but never grasp.

_**A/N**_

Another installment done…

Nothing really to say…

Later


	5. Chapter 5: Failing

**Chapter 5: Failing**

Kagome teased and tormented herself with her problems, and even found a kind of pleasure in doing so. The problems were new, however, and carried with them an unexpectedness that swept her breath away.

It seemed so long ago that her present anguish first stirred within her, it had since than grown and accumulated until of late it had come to a head and concentrated itself in the form of a wild and fantastic question. This question tortured his emotions and his reason with its irresistible demands to be answered.

Inuyasha's argument struck her like a thunderbolt. It was clear now that the time had come, not to languish in passive suffering, arguing that her problems were insolvable, but to act, act at once and with speed. She must decide on something, come what will, or…

"Or renounce life altogether!" she exclaimed suddenly, as if inspired, "submit obediently, once and for all, to destiny, as it is, and stifle everything within oneself, renouncing every right to act, to live or to love!"

Suddenly Mamoru's question of the previous day came back to him: '_Do you understand, my dear lady, what it is to have nowhere to turn to? For every person must have somewhere to turn to…'_

Suddenly she gave a shudder; another thought, also from yesterday, had come into his head again. But the shudder was not because the thought had returned. Indeed, she had known, she had _foreseen_ that it would return, and it had been expecting it; but this thought was not quite the same as yesterday's.

The difference was that, a month earlier, and even yesterday, it had been no more than a bad dream, but now…it was revealed as no dream, but in a new, unfamiliar, and terrible form; and she had suddenly become conscious of this fact…her head throbbed and things went dark before her eyes.

She glanced hastily around, looking for something. She needed to sit down and was looking for a pleasant enough spot. She was walking along the edge of the woods when she spotted a grassy area. Kagome never reached the spot of grass; she collapsed a few feet away and lay there for the better part of a couple hours after.

Now, it so happens that before Inuyasha had woke Kagome with his promises of food, Miroku, Sango, Shippo, Souta and Kaede had taken Inuyasha aside to have a discussion on the topic of Kagome's health. This is what transpired:

"Inuyasha, surely you, of all people, have noticed the change in Kagome's behavior?" Miroku inquired.

Miroku had just brought Inuyasha into Kaede's hut with an offer of conversation. Sango and the others were seated in the far end of the hut discussing among themselves. All conversation stopped when the monk and the hanyou entered the door.

"What the hell is going on here?" Inuyasha demanded.

"Inuyasha, please calm down, we only want to talk." Sango assured him.

Inuyasha walked over to Sango and scooped Shippo out of her arms, since Kagome had abandoned her surrogate mother position, Inuyasha had been the primary caretaker for the child.

"Inuyasha?" Shippo spoke up when at last Inuyasha had settled down.

"Keh, I suppose you're going to tell me you think I should talk to her too?"

"You're the only one that ever gets her to feel better; she won't listen to any of us." Shippo reasoned.

"And you think I haven't tried? I just don't know what's wrong; she refuses to talk to me even…"

"We have seen Kagome take a loss before, but none of us has ever seen something affect her…this bad." Miroku kept an eye on Souta in the corner as he spoke.

Souta had constantly believed that it was his fault, he had deprived Kagome of her family, and though he had lost them as well, Kagome had seemed to be affected the most. Souta stared at the wall the entire time Miroku spoke, believing what he said to be true.

"Lad, ye mustn't be hard on yourself, ye did not know the consequences of your actions." Kaede's kind words had no affect on Souta.

"Than why is she still mad at me?" Souta's voice cracked more than once and he just barely chocked out the last bit of the sentence.

Sango saw that he was on the verge of tears, "I don't think…I _know_ that Kagome could never be mad at you, Souta. She's just upset; she knows it wasn't your fault…"

"Than whose fault was it if not mine?" Souta's question silenced the group, none had a satisfactory answer.

"Souta…" Miroku began

"No! She's barely talked to me for over a month! If it isn't my fault, than whose?" Souta half ran, half tripped out of the hut into the daylight where he ran to the room that had been built for him after Kagome had refused him access to hers, claiming it was too small.

"Perhaps the child has a point, what else, if not the loss of her family, could be affecting Kagome so?" Kaede said.

"What else could it be, besides that damn kid's mistake?" Inuyasha said bitterly.

Though he and Souta had always been on rather good terms, Inuyasha also blamed Souta for Kagome's condition.

"Inuyasha, we must not treat Souta as such. He made a mistake but has repented and begged forgiveness many times, as you well know. He cannot be blamed anymore." Miroku defended Souta on many such occasions, seeing the pains the child had gone through to cleanse himself of his mistake.

"But nothing else happened to her to have this kind of an effect." Shippo stirred in Inuyasha's arms, Inuyasha looked down to readjust the kit to a more comfortable position, seeing as he had fallen asleep during the conversation.

It was a known fact that Shippo tended not to sleep or eat when he was worried, so the past few weeks had been exceptionally hard on him.

"Can you think of nothing, Inuyasha?" Miroku asked.

"Why me?" Inuyasha looked bewildered, "You all are with her all the time too!"

"True, but we do not have the kind of relationship you two have, Inuyasha."

"And just what the hell kind of relationship would that be, monk?" Inuyasha dared Miroku to make any kind of joke about Kagome and him.

"Just talk to the girl, Inuyasha. She still feels love for you." Kaede saw that the opposite was also true by the rising color in Inuyasha's cheeks.

"Keh, don't know what the hell you're talking about." Inuyasha turned his gaze away.

"So what should I say to her this time that will make it so different than all the others?" Inuyasha asked, trying to avoid the subject of Souta, inside, he felt the boy had repaid his debt many times over, but could not rid himself of the revulsion he felt for Souta as long as Kagome was sick.

"Just try to reason with her, Inuyasha. Kagome is a smart girl; she will see what she is doing to her family and friends. I'm afraid of putting more blame on her but; it may be the only way to shock her out of whatever she is going through." Sango said nervously, as if what she was doing was pushing the line slightly.

"Keh," Inuyasha stood and walked out of the tent.

"Where are you going, Inuyasha?" Sango asked.

"He's asleep." Inuyasha explained, motioning to the sleeping child in his arms. Inuyasha headed toward another of the new installments to the village where he and Shippo slept. It was right next to the smaller one Kagome occupied.

Miroku noticed that Inuyasha had grabbed the food they had saved for Kagome when she had come back late the following night, and saw him enter Kagome's hut with much hesitation. Miroku and Sango smiled at each other, perhaps this day wouldn't bring disaster as had all the other days before.

_**A/N**_

Just to clarify to some of my readers,

If you notice two distinct and different writing styles in this story,

It is because my friend and I are cooperating on it.

Most of the actual story line is written by him and the parts with a lot of angst and drama are me.

Example: the first part of this chapter is my doing and the second half is my friends.

Thank you for reading it this far.

I hope you will like the rest.


	6. Chapter 6: Emotions

**Chapter 6: Emotions**

Kagome woke early the next morning in her own bed. Inuyasha sat in a corner with his eyes closed and a scowl on his face. He appeared to be sleeping, but one could never know.

Kagome trained her sleepy, unfocused eyes on the hanyou. Studying his every curve, every flaw that once made him so attractive to her. Now she felt nothing. An emotional void, part of her was gone, the part that could love and hate, that could feel happiness and cry as well.

In spite of the loss, Kagome felt no anger or sadness. She only felt drained and depressed. It was this reason she shunned her friends and family.

Kagome got up softly and walked to the door, with one last glance at the sleeping hanyou. He shifted his position and muttered under his breath. It was only one word and barely audible so that Kagome could not have heard it had she not been so close.

"…'_Gome_…"

A pang of guilt shot through Kagome, it was Inuyasha, after all, who had been faithful, even after she had tried her best to keep him away.

Kagome absentmindedly walked through the village. The people who passed her were of no consequence. That is, until she came upon a young girl wandering aimlessly along the throng of people.

At first she paid her no more attention than she had given before to all the other objects which had passed before her eyes. She had grown used, for example, to arriving at her house, as she often did, without having any idea of how she had come there. But there was something so strange and striking, even at first glance, about this women walking along, that little by little her attention became fixed on her, at first unwittingly and with some vexation, and than with more and more concentration.

Suddenly she felt a desire to know just what it was that was strange about her. To begin with, she seemed to be no more than a girl, and she was walking through the blazing heat bare footed, waving her arms about strangely.

Her dress was of a thin, silken material, but it also looked rather odd; it was not properly fastened, and near the waist at the back, at the top of the skirt, there was a tear, and a great piece of material was hanging loose. A shawl had been flung around her neck and hung crooked and lopsided. To top everything, her gait was unsteady and she stumbled and even staggered from side to side.

The encounter had by now fully engaged Kagome's attention. She came up with the girl close to a small, empty hut; she went up to it and let herself fall to the ground beside it, resting her head against the wall and closing her eyes as if overcome with weariness. Looking closely at her, Kagome realized at once that she was quite drunk.

It was a strange, sad sight; she even thought she must be mistaken. Before her she saw the face of a very young girl, of sixteen, or perhaps only fifteen or so, small, pretty, fair-haired; but the face looked swollen and inflamed. The girl seemed to have little understanding of her surroundings; she crossed one leg over another, displaying more than was seemly, and to all appearances hardly realized where she was.

Kagome did not sit down, but stood irresolutely in front of her, not wanting to go away. This area of the village is usually always deserted, but now in the middle of the afternoon, and in such heat, it was almost empty.

Fifteen yards away, however, a gentleman had stopped at the edge of another hut, a little to one side, and it was plain that he was desirous of approaching the girl for some purpose. He too had probably seen her from some distance and followed her, but Kagome's presence hampered him.

He cast bad-tempered glances at her, yet tried not to be observed doing so, and impatiently awaited his opportunity when the vexatious intrusion of this poor girl should cease. He was a man of about thirty, thick-set and plump, with a pink and white complexion and red lips. Kagome was seized with a desire to make herself offensive to the fat man. She left the girl for a moment and went up to the gentleman.

"Hey, you…what do you want here?" She exclaimed, clenching her fists and grinning with lips that foamed with rage.

"What does this mean?" Asked the gentleman sternly, frowning with haughty astonishment.

"Clear off! That's what it means."

"How dare you, little girl?"

He flourished a walking stick. Kagome threw himself at the man with both fists, without stopping to consider that the stout gentleman was capable of dealing with three of her. But at that moment he was firmly seized from behind; another tall gentleman stood between them.

"That's enough, gentleman! Oh, I'm sorry ma'am…what do you want? Who are you?" He turned to Kagome, sternly surveying her odd clothes.

Kagome looked at him attentively. He had a manly, soldier's face, with a graying moustache and a sensible expression.

"What do I want? I want you!" She exclaimed, seizing his arm. "My name is Kagome…_You _may as well know, too," he added turning to the gentleman. "But come along here, I have something to show you."

And she pulled the man by the arm towards where the girl was sitting against the hut.

"There, look, she's quite drunk; she has just come along that way there; Heaven knows who she is, but she can hardly be a professional. More like somebody made her drunk and abused her…do you understand me?...for the first time…and than turned her out onto the streets like this. Look, her dress is torn; look how it is put on; clearly she didn't dress herself, she was dressed by somebody else, and dressed by somebody else, unskillful hands, masculine hands. That is plain. And now look over here; that overdressed scoundrel that I was trying to fight is a stranger to me, this is the first time I have seen him, but he saw her as well, just now, this drunken girl, in no condition to take care of herself, and now he is aching to come and get hold of her…since she is in such a state…and take her off somewhere. It really is so; believe me, I am not mistaken. I saw him watching her and following her, but I was in his way, and now he is simply waiting for me to go. Look, now he's moved a bit farther away, and stopped as if he wanted to spy on our movements…how are we to keep her out of his hands? How can we get her home? Try to think!"

The man had understood at once, and now he was considering. The stout gentleman's position was, of course, clear; there remained the girl. He stooped down to look at her more closely, and sincere compassion showed in his face.

"Ah, it's a great pity!" He said, shaking his head, "She's no more than a child. She's been led astray, that's true enough. Listen, miss," he went on to her, "Where do you live?" The girl opened her tired, bleary eyes, looked dully at her questioners, and waved them away with her hands.

"Listen," said Kagome, "you must take her home. Only we must get to know the address."

"Young lady, young lady!" Began the man again, "I'll take you home myself. But where to, eh? Where do you live?"

"Pshaw! ...Pestering me…" muttered the girl with another wave of the hand.

"It's a bad business! Oh, how shameful this is, young lady, what a disgrace!" he began to shake his head with a mixture of pity and indignation. "You know, this is a bit of a problem," he added, turning to Kagome and again enveloping her with a quick glance. Probably she seemed more than a little strange too, a girl willing to help this stranger and with her dirty, worn clothes.

"Was she far from here when you found her?" asked the man.

"I tell you she was reeling along past the hut just here in front of me. When she came to the hut she just slumped down against it."

"Oh, what shameful things there are in the world now. Such a simple young thing, and drunk already! She's been betrayed, that's what it is; look how her kimono is torn…what wickedness there is nowadays! …Maybe she belonged to decent people once, poor ones perhaps…lots of things like this happen nowadays. She looks as if she had been quite nicely brought up, almost like a real nice young lady." And he stooped over her again.

Perhaps he had daughters like her himself, who were 'nicely brought up, like young lady's', had good manners and copied all the new fashions.

"The main thing," said Kagome anxiously, "is to keep her out of that scoundrel's hand. He would only dishonor her again. It's quite plain what he wants; look, he's not going away, the wretch."

Kagome spoke loudly and pointed straight at him. The man heard him and seemed on the point of loosing his temper again, but thought better of it and contented himself with a scornful glance. Than he slowly moved away ten yards and stopped again.

"Well, that can be managed." Answered the man, but with some hesitancy. "If she would only tell us where to take her—otherwise…young lady, young lady!" And he stooped down to her again.

Suddenly the girl opened her eyes wide, with an attentive expression, as though she had just grasped something. She got up from the floor and started back in the direction they had come from. "Pah! They have no shame, they keep on pestering me," she said, with another wave of her hand.

She walked quickly, staggering as she had before. Keeping his eyes fixed on her, the stalking gentleman followed, but at a distance.

"Be easy, I will not let him!" said the man resolutely, turning to follow them. "Eh, what wickedness there is nowadays!" he repeated aloud with a sigh.

At this moment an instantaneous revulsion of feeling seemed as it were to sting Kagome.

"No, listen!" She cried after the mustached man.

He turned around.

"Stop! What is it to you? Drop it! Let him amuse himself!" (She pointed at the gentleman) "What business is it of yours?"

The man stared uncomprehendingly. Kagome laughed.

"Eh!" said the man, and with a gesture of his hand followed the girl and the man, evidently taking Kagome for a lunatic, or worse.

"He's gone off," said Kagome bitterly, when he was alone, "Now he can take something from the other as well, and let the girl go with him, and that will be the end of it…why did I take it on myself to interfere? Was it right for me to try and help? Let them eat one another alive, what is it to me? And how dared I give away my time, was it mine to give?"

In spite of these words, she felt depressed. She sat down in the now vacant alleyway. Her thoughts were still disconnected, and indeed, he felt too weary at that moment to think at all, on whatever subject. She would have liked to forget herself, to forget everything in sleep, and than to wake up and make a fresh start.

"Poor girl!" she said, looking at the place where the girl sat just minutes ago. "When she comes to herself there will be tears, and than her mother will get to know…First she will get a thrashing, than she will be beaten, painfully and shamefully, and perhaps she will even be driven out…And even if she isn't, more dishonorable men will find her and she will be hunted this way and that…Than will come the hospital (that's always the way with these girls when they live with very respectable mothers and have to take their fun on the side), well, and than…and the hospital again…and more drunkenness…the hospital once more…a wreck in two or three years, her life finished at no more than eighteen or nineteen years old…haven't I seen others like her on the news in my own time? And what became of them? That's what became of them…Pah! Let it go! They say it must be so. Such a percentage, I learned, must go every year… somewhere or other…to the devil, I suppose, so that the rest may be left in peace and quiet. A percentage! Once you've said "a percentage" there is no need to worry anymore. If you used a different word, why than perhaps…it might be disturbing…and what if one of my friends is included in the percentage? …If not in one, than in another? …"

'_But where am I going'_ she thought suddenly, _'it's strange, I must have come for some reason. I came right after I thought of…I was going to the slayers village, to Midoriko's cave, I remember now. But why? How did the idea of going to see Midoriko come to enter my head just at this moment? It's very odd!'_

He wondered at himself.

'_Yes, I did think not so long ago of going to see Midoriko again.'_ Kagome began to remember.

The question of why she had began to go see Midoriko troubled her more than she herself recognized; she looked uneasily for some meaning in this, it would seem, quite natural step.

'_Why did I think I could solve everything with a simple trip to Midoriko. Did I think I had found a way out of all my difficulties?_' she asked herself in some astonishment.

She went on thinking and rubbing her forehead and than, after a long time, unexpectedly and almost of its own accord, an extremely strange idea came into her head.

"Hm…I will go," She said suddenly and composedly, as if she had reached a definite decision, "I will go to see Midoriko, of course…but, not now. I will go to see her, the day after, when _that _is over and done with and everything is different…"

Than she realized what she had just said.

"After?" She cried, jumping up from the ground, "But, when…_if_ it ever happens…Can it really be going to happen? If it ever happens…I won't even be around anymore…"

_**A/N**_

I know, this doesn't really seem like Kagome,

But has anyone ever thought what her life would belike if the jewel was gone?

The well closing is a given, but no one has ever addressed the fact that she would be losing a presence that she has had ever since she was born.

Kagome has always had at least a shard of the jewel around, and thus the presence of Midoriko has always been there to comfort her.

She may not have realized the presence was there, but if it was gone she sure would notice it.

Now try and tell me that wouldn't have an effect on Kagome.

That's about it.

Later.


	7. Chapter 7: Dreams

**_A/N:_** _This is a warning for this chapter. This chapter is very graphic with some of its violence and as such should not be viewed by anyone who does not believe they can handle this brand of violence. Because of this one scene, I am bumping up the rating for this chapter to PG-13_

**Chapter 7: Dreams**

Kagome left the ground almost running; she had meant to go back but the idea of going home seemed almost unbearable. It was there, in that dreadful little cupboard of a place that the thought of _it_ had been maturing in her mind for more than a month. She walked on, not heeding where she went.

Her nervous shuddering seemed to turn into a fever; she even felt chilly; in that terrible heat she was cold. Driven by an inner compulsion, she tried to make herself interested in everything and everybody she met, but with little success. She kept relapsing into abstraction, and when she again raised her head with a start and looked around, she could remember neither what she had been just thinking of nor which way she had just come.

In this fashion she walked straight across the wood and into the town near where Mamoru and his family were camped. At first the greenery and freshness eased her tired eyes. But these pleasant new sensations eventually gave way to painful and irritating ones.

Occasionally she would stop in front of some picturesque home in its green setting, look and see well-dressed ladies and children running about the gardens. He took a particular interest in the flowers and looked at them the longest of all. Splendid ladies and gentleman passed her on horseback, and he gazed after them with curious eyes and forgot them before they were out of sight.

A few yards along her legs felt suddenly heavy and she began to feel very sleepy. She turned homewards, but by the time she reached the edge of the wood she was too exhausted to go on, and she turned into the wood into some bushes and let herself fall to the ground and was asleep at once.

A sick person's dreams are most often extraordinarily distinct and vivid and extremely life-like. A scene may be composed of the most unnatural elements, but the setting and presentation are so plausible, the details so subtle, so unexpected, so artistically in harmony with the whole picture, that the dreamer could not invent them for themselves in their waking state. Such morbid dreams always make a strong impression on the dreamer's already disturbed and excited nerves, and are remembered for a long time.

Kagome had a horrible dream, she dreamt that she was a child again; however, she was in the feudal era. She was seven, walking with her father along a dusty road with her father through the village. The afternoon was grey and sultry, the place exactly as it was that day, except the dream was more vivid than her recollection.

She saw the little town as clearly as if she held it in her little hand. A few paces in front of them stood a large public area where men liked to come and drink. This place made an unpleasant impression on her, even frightened her.

There was such a crowd there, so much shouting, laughing, and cursing, such hoarse bawling of songs, such frequent brawls, and so many people lounging about outside, drunk, with horrible distorted faces.

The road winding past the large house was always dusty, some three hundred yards further the road wound again past a large cemetery. While she and her father were passing the public house, she was holding her fathers hand and looking fearfully over her shoulder at the house.

There seemed to be some sort of special festivity going on; which attracted her attention; there was a crowd of townsfolk and peasants and all kinds of rabble, all in their best clothes, and all drunk and bawling out songs. Near the entrance stood a cart, not an ordinary peasant's cart, but one of the huge ones drawn by great cart-horses.

The strange part about this one was that a peasant's small, lean, decrepit old pale horse was harnessed to it. Suddenly there was a din of shouting and singing as a number of peasants, big men in red and blue kimono's, came out of the house roaring drunk.

"Get in, everybody! Get in!" shouted one, a young man with a thick neck and fleshy face as red as a beet, "I'll take the lot of you. Get in!" There was a burst of laughter and shouting.

"What, with that broken-down old nag?"

"You must be out of your wits, Mikharu, to put that old mare on that cart!"

"The poor beast must be twenty years old if she's a day, lads!"

"Get in! I'll take all of you," shouted Mikharu again, jumping in first himself.

He gathered up the reins and stood upright at the front of the cart. "Matvey has taken the bay," he shouted from the cart, "and as for the old mare, lads, she's just breaking my heart. It can kill her for all I care; she's only eating her head off. Get in, I tell you! I'll make her gallop! She'll gallop all right!" And he took up the whip, enjoying the thought of beating the old nag.

"Well, get in, than!" Laughed the crowd. "You heard him say he'd get a gallop out of her! She can't have galloped for ten years, I dare say."

"She's going to go now!"

"Come on, lads, bring your whips. No being sorry for her!"

"That's it; let her have it!"

They all clambered into Mikharu's wagon, with roars of laughter. There were six of them, and there was still room for more. They took up with them a fat, red-faced peasant-woman in red cotton. She was eating and laughing.

The crowd round about was laughing too, and indeed, who could help laughing at the idea that such a sorry beast was going to pull such a load, and at a gallop? Two of the lads in the cart picked up their whips to help Mikharu. There was a roar of "Gee up!" and the wretched old nag tugged with all her might, but far from galloping she could barely stir at all, but simply scraped with her feet, grunting and flinching from the blows that landed on her like hail from the three whips.

The laughter in the cart and among the crowd redoubled, but Mikharu lost his temper and began raining blow on the little mare in a passion of anger, as if he really expected her to gallop.

"Let me come as well, lads," Shouted a fellow from the crowd, attracted by the sport.

"Get in, everybody get in," cried Mikharu, "She'll pull you all. I'll give it her!" and he lashed away, so furious he hardly knew what he was doing.

"Papa, papa," cried Kagome, "look what they are doing, papa! They are beating the poor horse!"

"Come away," said her father, "They are drunk and playing the fool, the brutes. Come away; don't look!" And he tried to draw the girl away.

But she tore herself away from her fathers grasp and ran heedlessly towards the horse. The poor creature was in a sad state. She was panting and kept stopping and than beginning to tug again, almost ready to drop.

"Beat her to death!" howled Mikharu, "That's what it's come to. I'll give it to her!"

"You're a brute beast, no better than the demons!" cried an old man in the crowd.

"The idea of such a horse pulling a load like that!" added another.

"You'll founder the poor old thing," shouted a third.

"You keep out of this! She's mine, isn't she? I can do what I like with my own. Get in, some more of you! Everybody get in! She's damn well going to gallop! …"

Suddenly there was a great explosion of laughter that drowned everything else: the old mare had rebelled against the hail of blows and was lashing out feebly with her hoofs. Even the old man could not help laughing. Indeed, it was ludicrous that such a decrepit old mare should still have a kick left in her.

Two men in the crowd got whips, ran to the horse, one on each side, and began to lash at her ribs.

"Hit her on the nose and across the eyes, beat her across the eyes!" yelled Mikharu.

"Let's have a song, lads!" someone shouted from the wagon, and others joined in.

Somebody struck up a coarse song, somebody else whistled the chorus. The fat women went on eating and giggling.

Kagome ran towards the horse, than round in front, and saw them lashing her across the eyes, and actually striking her very eyeballs. She was weeping. Her heart seemed to rise into her throat, and tears rained from her eyes. One of the whips stung her face, but she did not feel it; she was wringing her hands and crying aloud.

She ran to a grey-haired, grey-bearded old man, who was shaking his head in pity for the poor animal. A peasant-woman took her by the hand and tried to lead her away, but she tore herself loose and ran towards the mare. She was almost at her last breath, but she began kicking again.

"The demon's fly away with you!" shouted Mikharu in a fury.

He flung away his whip, stooped down and dragged up from the floor of the cart a long, thick wooden shaft, grasped one end with both hands, and swung it with an effort over the wretched animal.

Cries arose: "He'll kill her!" "He'll crush her!"

"She's my property!" yelled Mikharu, and with a mighty swing let the shaft fall. There was a heavy thud.

"Lash her, lash her! Why are you stopping?" shouted voices in the crowd.

Mikharu flourished the heavy bar again and brought it down with another great swing on the back of the wretched creature. Her back legs gave way under her, but she staggered up, tugging and jerking one way and the other to get away; six whips rained blows on her from every side, and the shaft rose and fell a third time, and than a fourth, with a rhythmical swing. Mikharu was frenzied with rage at not having killed her with one blow.

"She's tough!" yelled one of the crowd.

"This time she'll go down, for certain, lads. She's finished," shouted another.

"Take an axe to her! Finish her off at one go!" cried a third.

"Oh, may you all be bitten to death by wasps!" shrieked Mikharu furiously, dropping the shaft and swooping down again to drag out an even bigger shaft.

"Look out!" he yelled, and crashed it down with all his strength on the poor old mare.

The blow was a crushing one; the mare staggered, sank down, and than made another effort to get up, but the heavier bar struck another swinging blow on her back, and she fell as if her legs had been cut from under her.

"Finish her!" shouted Mikharu, and jumped down, quite beside himself, from the cart. A few of the young men, as drunk and red in the face as he, snatched up whatever came to hand-whips, sticks, the other shaft-and ran to the dying mare. Mikharu stationed himself at the side and belabored her back at random with his large pole. The wretched animal stretched out her muzzle, drew a deep laboring breath, and died.

The crowd was still shouting.

"He's done for her!"

"All the same, she didn't gallop!"

"My own property!" cried Mikharu, who, with bloodshot eyes, was standing with his shaft in his hands and looking sorry that there was no longer anything to beat.

Many voices in the crowd were now calling, "Shame! You're no better than a demon!"

The poor little girl was quite beside herself. She pushed herself, shrieking, through the crowd to the mare, put her arms round the dead muzzle dabbled with blood and kissed the poor eyes and mouth…Than she got up and rushed furiously at Mikharu with her fists clenched.

At that moment her father, who had been looking for her for a long time, caught her up and carried her out of the crowd.

"Come along, come along!" he said. "Let us go home."

"Papa, why did they…kill…the poor horse?" Kagome sobbed, catching her breath. The words forced themselves out of her choking throat in a scream.

"They are drunk, they are playing the fool. It is none of our business. Let us go." She put her arm around her father, but her breast was convulsed with sobs. She struggled with breath, tried to cry out, and awoke.

She woke up panting and sweating, her hair damp with perspiration, and sprang up in alarm.

"Thank Kami, it was only a dream," she said, sitting down under a tree and drawing long breaths. "But why did I dream it? Can I be starting some sort of fever? It was such a horrible dream…"

_**A/N**_

I would really like to hear response to this chapter.

I have been attempting some foreshadowing in the previous chapters, but never as blatant as this.

To all who have read this story thus far:

Thank you.


	8. Chapter 8: Shippo

**Chapter 8: Shippo**

"Inuyasha?" Shippo looked up with his large, green eyes, at Inuyasha who had been pacing the floor of Kaede's hut for the past hour.

Inuyasha had thought Shippo asleep, and only held the kitsune in his arms while he walked because it gave him a sense of calm, a sense that he had something to protect, like the feeling he always had had with Kagome near.

Shippo let out a small sigh, "What happened?"

"With what?" the question had come out more harsh than he had meant.

"With Kagome…the day before, when you…"

"Keh, I thought Miroku already told you all about it?"

"Not everything, he missed the last part, the reason she ran away."

"It's not important." Inuyasha resumed his pacing.

Shippo shrugged and nuzzled back into Inuyasha's chest.

"It is important, Inuyasha. Kagome's been gone for a long time now." Miroku strode in the hut.

"What, you think it's my fault, don't you! I didn't do a fucking thing, you hear me!" Inuyasha shouted.

"No one is saying you did, Inuyasha, but maybe you could track her down and bring her back. Kagome could get hurt wandering alone." Sango walked in and stood next to Miroku.

"I don't even _want_ to pick up her scent anymore! I don't want to be reminded that it isn't…" Inuyasha trailed off and looked dejectedly at the floor.

"Isn't what?" Sango prodded.

"Smells wrong…isn't Kagome." Shippo muttered sleepily.

Inuyasha looked down surprised; he had thought that Shippo had not noticed the subtle change in Kagome's scent. Shippo had never said anything before. But many things began to make more sense, the way Shippo would prefer to be held by Inuyasha, how he wanted to sleep with Inuyasha rather than Kagome.

These things and more only helped to further progress Kagome's depression.

"How has it changed, perhaps this is a clue to what is wrong."

"It hasn't changed, really. That's why I'm surprised the kid noticed it. The air is just stale, it's a stale smell, there's just something missing…" Inuyasha was talking to himself more than anyone; he had contemplated this change in scent since Kagome had come out of the well that last time.

"Well, what is missing?" Miroku was eager to continue.

"If I fucking knew, don't you think I would have put it back already?" Inuyasha lashed back.

"Inuyasha, we're only…"

"I don't care what you're only doing; get the fuck out so I can sleep!" Miroku looked outside; the sun was just beginning to set.

Miroku and Sango, not wanting to endure the wrath of an enraged Inuyasha, quietly left without another word. Inuyasha sat against a wall, facing the door, and leaned his head against the wood. Shippo stirred in his arms and he looked down. The kit was fully asleep.

Inuyasha brushed a few stray hairs from Shippo's eyes; the kitsune relaxed and adopted a serene expression. Looking at the kitsune sleep, it reminded him of Kagome. How Kagome would be so patient with the child, even when the kitsune wouldn't always be easy.

In the beginning Shippo had a hard time adjusting to his new life. Kagome was always willing to help, but Shippo was still a youkai, and he had his pride as such. It was hard for him to abandon his pride and allow a human to care for him.

"_Get away from me Kagome! I can do it myself!" Shippo yelled as Kagome helped the kitsune with his clothes._

"_Shippo, it wont hurt you to let me help you, will it?" Kagome finished dressing Shippo and carried him out to where the rest of the group was waiting._

"_Feh!" Shippo did a fairly good impression of Inuyasha._

"_Are we ready yet; I'm tired of all this stalling." Inuyasha grumbled._

"_I think so, I've just given Shippo his bath…and I've told mama I'd be gone a couple of days…so yeah, we're good." Kagome passed Shippo over to Inuyasha as she shouldered her massive backpack._

_Once they were out past the village, Shippo started fidgeting in Inuyasha's arms. "Inuyasha, can I sit on your shoulder?" Shippo asked._

"_I…"_

"_No." Kagome interrupted Inuyasha._

"_Please, Inuyasha?" Shippo whined, his large eyes gazing up at Inuyasha, breaking his resolve._

"_Well…"_

"_No." Kagome interrupted again, "It's too dangerous, Shippo. You can't hold on to Inuyasha like you were able to before."_

"_I could hold onto…" Inuyasha began before…_

"_I said _no_, Inuyasha!" Inuyasha looked down at Shippo._

_The hanyou's gaze said only '_sorry_' to the kit, it offered no condolences or solutions. This made Shippo angry._

"_Why bother saving your life if this is how you treat me." Shippo grumbled._

_Inuyasha almost dropped Shippo from shock. He had never heard the child say something so spiteful towards the one who took care of him. Kagome apparently never had either. Her lips formed into a thin line and she walked faster, leading the group. Inuyasha could scent the salty smell of fresh tears._

_That night everyone except Shippo and Kagome were sitting around a small fire, gazing into the mesmerizing flames. Inuyasha's ears perked, he was listening intently to the soft voices carried to him on the wind._

"_I'm sorry I said those things, Kagome. I didn't really mean them."_

"_I know you didn't, Shippo. And I'm sorry as well."_

"_You don't have anything to be sorry for, Kagome"_

"_Yes, Shippo. I'm sorry I was so stern with you earlier. And you're right, there are some things you can do on your own, I guess I was just being foolish."_

"_No, I'm glad you do those things for me, Kagome. It's just that…sometimes…" Shippo sighed, how could he ever say what he wanted to say?_

"_Sometimes it feels as if you're not a real youkai anymore?" Kagome guessed._

_Shippo's mouth hung open, how was it that she had guessed what he had been feeling?_

_Kagome laughed and put her finger under Shippo's chin to close his mouth, "Inuyasha gave me some hints, he thought you might be feeling a bit…embarrassed."_

"_I'm sorry Kagome; I had no right to feel that way." Shippo averted his eyes from Kagome's warm gaze._

"_No, Shippo; you have every right to feel that way. What Naraku took away from you is more than any one of us has had to suffer through."_

"_Thank you, Kagome."_

"_No problem, Shippo. Shall we join the others now?"_

_Shippo nodded his head in approval. "Kagome?"_

"_Yes?"_

"…_I love you, Kagome."_

"_I love you too, Shippo."_

Inuyasha never once resented Shippo for causing the changes in Kagome. The hanyou had smelled the change in scent immediately after she had come out of the well, which was when things had begun to go wrong; Kagome withdrew, seeing only Shippo and Inuyasha some days. After a while she refused to see even them.

Inuyasha's ears perked up as he scented Kagome. He saw her walk right past the hut he shared with Shippo, not turning to them once. He also smelled salty tears on her, wherever she had been. She had been crying for a very long time.

Miroku and Sango caught up with Kagome just past Inuyasha's line of view. He heard the entire confrontation.

"Kagome! We have been looking all over for you! Where have you been?" Sango said.

"Um…nowhere" Kagome tried to pass but Miroku stopped her.

"Kagome, why have you been crying, what is wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong…" Kagome wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt.

"Kagome, please, we're your friends." Sango approached her, but Kagome backed away.

"I don't really…feel like talking right now, you guys." Kagome looked away from their stares.

"Kagome. We will need to talk eventually."

"Why, why do we have to talk when there is nothing to talk about?"

"Kagome…Kagome, they are gone, you cannot mourn forever."

Kagome caught her breath at Miroku's statement, '_They know…but how could they? How could they know that I can't…that I am…_'

"How did you know?" Kagome asked softly, in a clipped tone.

"What?" Sango approached Kagome again, "What do you mean, Kagome?"

"Who told you she was gone?" Kagome demanded, grabbing the front of Miroku's robes and shaking him.

"Kagome, calm down!" Miroku tried to get himself away from Kagome, but failed.

"No! How do you know that she is gone?" Kagome shouted.

"Who, who is gone Kagome?" Sango pressed.

"Oh, you…I'm…I'm sorry. I need to go now." Kagome walked off, devoid of any emotion.

The sudden change shocked everyone, when Kagome had hold of Miroku she was so much like her old self, so vibrant, so alive. But that life sunk back down again, and all they were left with was a sulking shell, a weak imitation of what used to be Kagome.

"Wait, Kagome!" Inuyasha ran out of the hut and towards Kagome with Shippo still in his arms.

"I don't have anything else I want to say, Inuyasha." Kagome kept on walking.

"Kagome, just listen to me, will 'ya?" Inuyasha stood in front of Kagome, barring her path.

"Shippo…" Kagome's eyes fell on the lame kitsune.

"Yes, Kagome, Shippo; it's Shippo. You remember."

Kagome nodded her head, trying to resist the tears that welled up in her eyes at the sight of Shippo.

"Than why can't you remember how you used to love him, you used to care for him and he loved you. Why can't you remember?" Shippo had been awake to hear the argument between Sango, Miroku and Kagome; he was awake now, though he pretended to be asleep.

"I can't…I just can't, okay!" The tears in Kagome's eyes streamed down her face as she tried to run away, but Inuyasha wouldn't let her.

"Kagome…Kagome! Why can't you remember how you used to love me?" Kagome stopped struggling and looked up to Inuyasha.

The hanyou had truth in his eyes. Kagome embraced Inuyasha, Shippo being squished in between them. But Shippo didn't mind, this was exactly where he wanted to be. He wouldn't trade this moment for the world.

"So, kid. I guess Kagome's back, huh?" Inuyasha had known the fox spirit was not asleep.

Shippo smiled.

_**A/N**_

Sorry it's been so long; actually it's only been about a week, but sorry anyway.

Thank you to the _one_ person so far who has reviewed.

I know this story may perhaps seem a bit unorthodox at times,

But you may grow to like it in the future. _Hint, hint_

Okay, than…that's about all I have to say.

Later.


	9. Chapter 9: Tajomaru's Confession

**Chapter 9: Tajomaru's Confession**

Kagome's whole body felt bruised her mind dark and confused. She put her elbows on her knees and propped her head in her hands.

'_Kami,_' she thought, '_why do I keep having this dream, is it possible, is it possible that I really took an axe and struck her, smashed open her skull…that my feet slipped on the warm, sticky blood, and that I broke the lock to their only possession, and stole, and trembled, and hid, all covered in blood…with the axe…? Kami, is it possible?_'

She was shaking like a leaf.

'_But why am I saying this?_' she went on, leaning back as if amazed at herself. '_I must have realized that I would never have carried it out, so why have I gone on tormenting myself until now? Yesterday again, yesterday I also dreamed as if I had done this hideous act…I was quite sure yesterday that I would never do it…than why am I talking about it now? Why do I still go on harboring doubts? Didn't I turn sick at the very thought of it, and run away in terror…?_'

'_Dear Kagome, do not feel sorry for my death._' A voice said inside her head.

The voice sounded familiar, '_Who, wait…Mamoru? What are you doing inside my head? Did I…could I really have…are my dreams true, Mamoru? Please tell me!_'

'_Easy, my lady. All is not what it seems. Your reliance on the Shikon no Tama has deterred you from learning the extent of your true power, the complete power of a true and pure priestess._'

'_How do you know so much about me, Mamoru? How would you know these things?_' Kagome demanded.

'_All things are revealed in death, my lady._' The voice that sounded strikingly like Mamoru said.

'_So you are…because of me…_' Kagome could not bring herself to say the words that had haunted her for days. _Murderer._

'_No, lady Kagome, because of myself and my greed I have died. The only solace offered me is that I shall not burden my family with my continued presence anymore._'

'_No, Mamoru. You have said you are nothing but swine, and deserve no better, but this is not true. You do have people who love you and believe in you…you had a good life, Mamoru. A life that I ended…_'

'_Your kind words offer me comfort, Kagome._'

'_What does it matter anymore, I am a murderer, not even Inuyasha or Shippo will want me. I will have no one. I killed you, Mamoru, I murdered you…but, I don't remember, I dream about it every night, why, Mamoru? Did I really do this...this vile, this disgusting act?_'

'_I cannot answer this, Lady Kagome, all I can offer now is the knowledge that you at least gave my soul peace, may you have peace as well, my lady._' The presence of Mamoru disappeared.

"Mamoru?" Kagome whispered silently, "Mamoru?" She whispered slightly louder, wishing for the spirit to return and comfort her, to tell her it was not her fault.

She stood up, half wondering how she had come to be there. Kagome had woken up to find herself situated in between Inuyasha and Shippo. The proximity of their contact did not make her uncomfortable, but Kagome did desire to be alone so she quietly walked into the night.

She was pale, her eyes glittered, exhaustion filled every limb, but she had suddenly begun to breathe more easily. She felt as if she had thrown off a terrible burden that had weighed her down for so long, and her heart was light and tranquil.

The strains on her body had disappeared, but the weights on her mind remained, even gained in strength. She walked easy, for the night at least.

Now, it so happens that a man by the name of Tajomaru had, many days before, been privy to the conversation between Mamoru and Kagome and the situations which followed.

Mamoru and his wife had left their children to fend for themselves while they traveled away on horseback. No one can say for certain why Mamoru's wife decided to do this; many actions of sick women cannot be explained.

Tajomaru killed Mamoru, taking his possessions and valuables. Soon after a woodsman found Tajomaru, covered in blood, when questioned, the villain had this to say:

**Tajomaru's Confession**

I killed him, but not her. Where's she gone? I can't tell you. Oh, wait a minute; no torture can make me confess what I don't know. Now, things have come to such a head, I won't keep anything from you.

Yesterday, a little past noon I met that couple. Just then a puff of wind blew, and raised her hanging scarf, so that I caught a glimpse of her face. Instantly it was again covered from my view. She was beautiful. At that moment, I made up my mind to capture her even if I had to kill her man.

Why? To me killing isn't a matter of such great consequence as you might think. When a woman is captured, her man has to be killed anyway. In killing, I use this sword at my side.

But it would be good, if I could capture a woman without killing her man. So I made up my mind to capture her, and do my best not to kill him. So I managed to lower the couple into the mountains.

It was quite easy. I became their traveling companion, and I told them there was an old mound in the mountain over their and that I had dug it open and found many mirrors and swords are. I went on to tell them I'd buried the things in a grove behind the mountain. And that I'd like to sell them at a low-priced to anyone who would care to have them.

Then...you see, isn't agreed terrible? He was beginning to be moved by my talk before he knew it. In less than half an hour, they were driving their horse toward the mountain with me.

When he came in front of the grove, I told them that the treasures were buried in it. And I asked them to come and see. The man had no objection he was blinded by greed. The woman said she would wait on horseback. It was natural for her to say so at the sight of the thick grove. To tell you the truth, my plan worked just as I wished. So I went into the grove with him, leaving her behind.

The grove is only bamboo for some distance. About 50 yards ahead, there's a rather open clump of Cedars. It was a convenient spot for my purpose. Pushing my way through the grove, I told him a plausible lie that the treasures were buried under the Cedars.

When I told him this, he pushed his laborious way toward the slender cedar visible through the growth. After a while, the bamboo thinned out, and we came to where a number of Cedars grew in a row.

As soon as we got there, I seized him from behind. Because he was a trained, sword bearing warrior, he was quite strong, but he was taken by surprise, so there was no help for him. I soon tied him off to the wood of a cedar. Being a robber, I had a rope with me.

When I disposed of him, I went to his woman and asked her to come and see him, because he seemed to have been suddenly taken sick. It's needless to say that this plan also worked well. The woman, her shawl off, came into the depths of the grove, where I lead her by the hand.

The instant she caught sight of her husband, she drew a small sword. I've never seen a woman of such violent temper. If I'd been off guard, I'd have got a thrust in my side. I dodged, but she kept on slashing at me. She might have wounded me deeply or killed me.

But I'm Tajomaru. I managed to strike down her small sword without drawing my own. The most spirited women are defenseless without a weapon. At least I could satisfy my desire for her without taking her husbands life.

Yes…without taking his life. I had no wish to kill him. I was about to run away from the grove, leaving the women in tears, when she frantically clung to my arm. In broken fragments of words, she asked that either her husband or I die.

She said it was more trying than death to have her shame known to two men. She gasped out that she wanted to be the wife of whichever survived. Than a furious desire to kill his seized me.

Telling you in this way, no doubt, I seem a crueler man then you. But that's because you didn't see her face. Especially her burning eyes at that moment. As I saw her eye to eye, I wanted to make her my wife. Even if I were to be struck by lightning. I wanted to make her my wife...this single desire filled my mind.

This was not only lust, I'd surely not have minded, knocking her down and running away. Then I wouldn't have stained my sword with his blood. But at that moment, when I gazed at her face in the dark grove, I decided not to leave there without killing him.

But I didn't like to resort to unfair means to kill him. I untied him and told him to cross swords with me. Furious with anger, he drew his thick sword. And quick as thought, he sprang at me. Ferociously, without speaking a word. The twenty third stroke...please remember this. I'm impressed with this fact still. Nobody under the sun has ever clashed swords with me twenty strokes.

When he fell, I turned toward her, lowering my blood stained sword. But to my great astonishment, she was gone. I wondered to where she had run away. I looked for her in the clump of Cedars. I listened, but heard only a groaning sound from the throat of the dying man.

As soon as we started to cross swords, she may have run away through the grove to call for help. When I thought of that, I decided it was a matter of life and death to me. So, robbing him of his sword, and bow and arrows, I ran out to the mountain road. There I found her horse still grazing quietly.

It would be a mere waste of words to tell you the later details. But before I entered town, I had already parted with the sword. That's all my confession. If you'll do me one last favor, a favor for a dying man. The dying man was talking to a girl named Kagome. I must find her.

_**A/N**_

This format is rather different, but I enjoyed writing it.

Part of this story will later be transferred to another story,

A sort of murder mystery in Sengoku Jidai.

Anyway I probably won't write it until this one is done, so…

I guess it's not really important!

That's all for now,

Later.


	10. Chapter 10: Souta's Story

**Chapter 10: Souta's Story**

The metal hoe dug easily into the soft earth, turning the dirt and readying the field for the spring crop. Souta wiped his sleeve across his brow and looked up at the clear sky.

'_This is going to be a good year,_' Souta thought.

The spring thaw had come early and allowed the farmers to get an early start at planting. Souta eagerly helped, applying his five hundred years of knowledge over the farmers. The village's output would almost double in one year because of the changes he had implemented.

But Kagome had taken no notice.

Souta showed the villagers how to make their houses stronger, and how to use materials more effectively. He did more than his share when it came to work. And he always took less than his ration of food, instead giving it away to the invalid's of the village.

But still Kagome had taken no notice.

Souta dropped the hoe and watched a solitary figure walk toward him. The man approached Souta from the direction of Kagome's hut. Souta frowned and began to work again, with a doubled effort. He knew this man and what he wanted.

Miroku as of late had taken to talking with Souta at odd moments. His attempts at discussion were more often than not thwarted by Souta's indifference.

"Souta, I have been looking for you. Is it not late to be working in the fields?" Miroku asked.

"This field has to get done before spring." Souta said passively.

"But you are the only one working, why not wait until tomorrow when the other farmers can help you?"

"Tomorrow we will start on the other side of the village, If I get this done tonight, we wont waste time traveling from this field to that one."

Miroku couldn't argue with this logic, "But surely you could ask someone to help you?"

"No, the others have families they have to go home to," Souta didn't take his eyes off the brown earth.

"You still have a family Souta."

"No…I don't…"

Miroku was concerned by his dispassionate attitude, "Kagome still loves you Souta, and Sango and I will always be here for you, and Inuyasha…I'm sure he cares for you as well." Miroku hesitated at the mention of the hanyou, Inuyasha had acted pointedly callous towards Souta ever since they had come out of the well that last time.

"This really has to get done, Miroku." Souta continued his work in the opposite direction from Miroku.

"Souta, I…"

"Just leave Miroku, I really need to do this for tomorrow." Miroku walked away reluctantly.

During the past few days Souta had been extremely thoughtful. He had thought about his mother a great deal, and was constantly worrying about her. His tormented anxiety about her worried Miroku.

For some reason he was extremely silent about Kagome during all this time.

Little known to almost all he had been ill for a short time. But it was not the struggles of a peasants life, nor the heavy work, nor the food, nor his ragged clothing and unruly hair that had broken him: what did all that hardship and suffering matter to him?

He was even glad of the hard work; physical exhaustion at least brought him a few hours of peaceful sleep. His clothes were warm and appropriate to his way of life. Was he to be ashamed of his ragged clothing and mussed hair? But before whom? Before Kagome? Kagome feared him, and was he to feel ashamed before her?

What was it than? He did, in fact, feel ashamed before Kagome, who he tortured because of this by his rough and contemptuous manner. But he was not ashamed of his hair or clothing; his pride was deeply wounded, and it was this wound to his pride that made him fall ill.

How happy he would have been if he could have put the blame on himself! Than he could have borne anything, even shame and infamy. But although he judged himself severely, his lively conscious could find no particularly terrible guilt in his past, except a simple _blunder_ that might have happened to anybody.

He was ashamed precisely because he, Souta, had perished so blindly and hopelessly, with such dumb stupidity, by some decree of blind fate, and must humble himself and submit to the absurdity of that decree, if he wished to find any degree of peace.

An objectless and undirected anxiety in the present and endless sacrifice, by which nothing would be gained in the future was all the world held for him.

If only fate had granted him remorse, scalding remorse, harrowing the heart and driving sleep away, such remorse has tortured men into dreaming of death! Oh, he would have welcomed it gladly!

Tears and suffering- they, after all, are also life. But he did not feel remorse for his crime. He might at least have raged at his own stupidity, as before he had raged at the monstrous and infinitely stupid actions that had brought him to this state.

But now that he was in an objective state, he had reconsidered and reweighed all his former actions, and found it completely impossible to think them as stupid and monstrous as they had seemed to him before, at that fatal time.

Another thought added to his suffering, why had he not killed himself? Why, when he stood on the bank of that river, had he chosen to live his life in servitude? Was there really such strength in the will to live, and was it so difficult to overcome it?

He tortured himself with these questions, unable to realize that perhaps even while he stood by the river he already felt in his heart that there was something profoundly wrong in his life. He did not understand that that feeling might have been the herald of a coming crisis in his life, of his coming resurrection, of a future new outlook on life.

He preferred to see in all this only the dull bondage of his situation, which he could not shake off and which he still was not strong enough to break. He looked at his fellow workers and marveled: how all of them also loved life and cherished it! It seemed to him that it was more loved and prized, more highly valued, in a peasant's life than in the rich mans.

What terrible hardships and sufferings some of them had borne. How could one ray of sunlight mean so much to them, or the virgin forest, or a cool spring in some remote and hidden solitude seen once years before, that a man dreams of and longs for like a lovers meeting, with the green grass all round it and a bird singing in the bushes?

'_This is the beginning of my story_,' Souta thought, '_the story of the gradual renewal of a man, of his gradual regeneration, of his slow progress from one world to another, of how he learned of an undreamed of reality._'

_**A/N**_

I know this one is short, but I haven't had a lot of time to work on it.

I thought it would be interesting to show a little bit about Souta, since I have been kind of ignoring him.

Perhaps I give Souta a bit too much intellect, and in this way many of the characters are pointedly out of character.

But I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Later.


End file.
